ranta n ravin'


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Location: Sudbury, Ontario, Canada

Blonde haired, blue eyed Finn,5'11", 160lbs

Monday, January 31, 2005

Painting Tips - Day One

I went to bed as usual at about 11:30. Tossed and turned for 2 hours and then I thought to myself Marcel, (or is that myself – never was sure) get up, and do something.
What would a "normal" person do? Have a nice cup of Camomile Tea, few ounces of warm milk? Well I didn’t have either.
Being the person that I am, I made coffee. Not really the best idea because after a cup or two of that I was really awake.
Now what would a "normal" person do? Well like most I’m sure, I decided to paint my living room.
I found all the left over cans of paint my parents gave me from recently painting their place. I realised that I didn’t have enough one colour to paint even one wall.
What does a normal person do? Mix them all together right?
Well, I’m kind of started. I held my thumb up to the wall as I was shaking the shit out of a rusted, bent lid can of paint. (For future reference, don’t do this on an uncovered wood floor.)
At this point I figure I’m not going to sleep at all and I just happened to have a few beer in the fridge. (Yeah the new one that now had splatters of some colour of paint on it.) Well I cracked one. Hmm, inspiration?
Now what? I didn’t have a tarp but heck it’s an apartment newspaper will do. I decided that I’d start with the "big" wall because it would dry first and I could put my computer desk back.
Brilliant! (For future reference, unplug everything first.) I managed to catch my monitor before it hit the floor too.
Well the sweat had worked up so maybe just one more beer.
I found my "tools of my new trade", brush – yeah, just one and a couple of paint roller refills.
Hmm, no handle for the rollers. Well I’m using latex paint. I can just wash my hands with soap and water after.
I managed to smear my new paint on one wall when my neighbour knocked on my door. What the hell are you doing at this time of night? He asked. "Oh just some touch ups, sorry to wake you."
Not wanting to bother him anymore by scraping furniture across the floor I decided that I'd just use my wheeled desk chair to stand on.
Okay, okay that wasn’t the best decision of the night. On my first attempt I took out 3 plants, a vase, my electric waterfall rock thing and the glass top to my end table. Not to mention more spilled paint.
Time for another beer and rethink this. I know! I’ll just stand on the existing furniture and paint around them! This worked well for a while but how do I get to the baseboards? Aah I’ll do that tomorrow.
After cleaning everything else up I was really sweating. My glasses kept slipping off my nose. Well you only really need them for reading Rob I said to Marcel (myself? Still not sure.) I took them off and grabbed another beer.
Well at this point the wall wasn’t looking too bad. I should have enough for the rest of the room. I wasn’t trying to do a Martha Stewart or Debbie Travis with the paint but it looked kind of funky.
I managed to get a little paint on the ceiling and of course not having a wet cloth on hand I thought that I could actually reach it with the tail of the tee shirt I was wearing. Nope.
I fell off of my remaining end table. I hit the floor with enough noise to rouse my poor neighbour again.
After wrapping my elbow in a tensor bandage and cauterising the bleeding on my cheek, I grabbed yet another beer.
Well you are probably more tired from reading this than I was at this point.
I sat down on what room was left on my couch to see what I could paint next. The impact of me hitting the seat knocked the glass framed print that I had so carefully leaned against the back fell and broke on the doorknob of the closet.
I cleaned that up that mess and right pissed off I decided that because I still wasn’t tired that I’d go on line and answer some neglected email. I cleared off my skateboard of a desk chair and flopped down. Only to puncture my ass with the paint roller handle that I couldn’t find earlier – so I thought. It just so happened to be a broken
Clothes hanger AND me f’n eyeglasses!
Ergo, the enhanced font as I am typing with one hand as I hold the remaining lens to my other eye.
As if painting the walls in this old apartment wasn’t hard enough, there are so many poorly patched holes and cracks it was sort of like putting Clearasil on a burn victim. Not nice I know but true.
At 6:30 my perturbed yet concerned neighbour came up on his way to work. He finds me with more paint on me than on the walls. The place is in shambles, I’m bleeding and half in the bag.
The son of a bitch has the nerve to say, "Rob what colour is that? It kind of looks like well, I’m not sure but well, nicotine stain and mould." (I guess you can’t mix Cottonwood and Terra Cotta latex with John Deere Green Super High Gloss Enamel)
"Maybe you should have turned on the overhead light before you started" If my living room looks like nicotine and mould I’m back where I started from!
His funeral services will probably be over before this paint dries.
Moral? None. But I am going out to buy some Camomile Tea today.


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